Go2wed.com is co-sponsoring a bridal fair.  I hope to be there and many others will be there with HUGE prizes being given away!  For the most updated information check out  http://go2wed.com/wedding-show/

 I hope to see some of you planning a Minnesota wedding!

Before you sign contracts, figure out guest lists, it is so crucial that you talk open and honestly as a couple about those who are agreeing to contribute to the wedding fund.  I talked with the latest couple recently where the groom knew his father was maybe 50% likely to actually come through on his promised money (half the wedding budget!) but didn’t say anything.  The brides family as hosts took that money as gold and made a very elegant wedding based on the expected money.  Once it got out he wasn’t good for the money (major health issues came up), this grooms father added salt to the wounds by saying he wanted to invite 10 more guests.  The brides family was livid and the couple was (when we talked with them recently) stuck between themselves and the parents.

This is not a fun situation to be in and there is no easy way out.  But even if the bride knew her future father in law was bad with his money the couple could have worked together to prevent what ended up being (and still is) a huge nightmare for everyone involved.  This is not a good way to start a marriage.

So be careful and be open.  Money is a taboo subject in our society but it can truly wreck havoc on your relationship when the dirty laundry isn’t brought out to the open!  Even if your spouse to be isn’t like their parents, it is important to know the family culture so when grandpa promises Johnny boy an expensive Christmas present and doesn’t follow through you will have been more able to prepare.

There are four great premarital counselors in Colorado http://www.thefirstdance.com/premaritalcounselingcolorado.php and I wanted you to know there is also a few classes for Colorado brides and grooms.

BEFORE YOU SAY I DO: Marriage Education for Engaged Couples by premarital counselor Greg Thiel.

During this fun and engaging workshop you will be introduced to 2 effective communication techniques, openly discuss your wedding day, honeymoon, and marital expectations. Learn how to appreciate and acknowledge each other during this stressful time before your wedding day.

Saturday, Feb. 9 and Aug. 2, 2008 (choose 1 date), 1-5 pm
COLORADO FREE UNIVERSITY  ~  303-399-0093  or  www.freeu.com

Saturday, May 3 and Nov. 8, 2008 (choose 1 date), 1-5 pm
ARAPAHOE COMMUNITY COLLEGE  ~  303-797-5722 or www.arapahoe.edu

As we mentioned there are very valid reasons for children not being invited to weddings and there are valid reasons parents may not be able to attend without bringing their children – they can’t afford or find babysitters, or at worst, you offend parents who think their children are darlings and should be anywhere they are!

There are many “people stress” sides of inviting children to a wedding.  If you have not made concrete plans yet it is strongly advised to figure out who among the possible guests has children - their ages, whether family of your guests live nearby to babysit, and whether some are out of towners.  Also important is whether your families have small children – this becomes very sticky because the wedding is a mini family reunion and to uninvite children means you could be creating world war three in the family since aunts, uncles, and grandparents may only see their grandchildren or the little ones at weddings. 

For my wedding I was at the beginning of the wedding trend so I only had one friend with a son (but a local mom who babysat for her a lot) and a cousin with two out of town children (I wasn’t going to not invite those children.)  I did ask my cousin if he wanted me to coordinate any babysitting onsite or offsite and he declined but said the kids were used to being in church and would behave well.  There were a few others here and there with kids but definitely not enough that I knew it would be a problem.  They were local folks and I knew they went out without their children.  I also had an evening wedding so they wouldn’t want their very small children there anyway.  (One friend didn’t bring her spouse because he was the babysitter. I hadn’t met him so it wasn’t a huge deal.)

 One of the biggest mistakes I see made and read about in wedding planning books, articles and magazines is the (false / simplistic) notion that if you do not write the names of the children on the invitation, it will signal to parents that the event is child-free.  I have many issues with this advice.  In no particular order the problems here are:

• Waiting until 6-8 weeks before a wedding to say it’s kid free when you knew 13 months ago is potentially asking for BIG feathers to be ruffled.  Parents are often aware of needing to buy their children new wedding clothes, babysitters can be hard to find, and if the parents expect the kids are invited they may be talking up the wedding and practicing good behavior for the big day.
• Expecting everyone to know wedding etiquette is a lot to ask of anyone, especially most of your guests who are long ago married or who are so used to bringing the children they wouldn’t even notice the lack of their names.
• Not confronting known-issues by this non-confrontational method is going to nothing but bite you back.  If you are well aware of hurt feelings it is much better to get it out in the open as soon as you know the event is kid free rather than letting people assume kids are invited and waiting til the very end.  Besides – if some people throw world war three and tell you they refuse to come, hey, at least you have a better sense of the guest list!
• Pregnant guests who may have small babies are going to be super sensitive to the ‘kid factor’ and if they know it is kid-free or kid-friendly, they will rest easier knowing if they will be able to make it or find a babysitter.

So what do you do it people insist on bringing their children anyway?  Number one rule is “blood talks to blood” when there is conflict.  If this is your fiance’s uncle who insists on bringing his kids, the best person to respond is your fiance’s parent who is related to this uncle.  Generation-to-generation will be much more effective and respectful than you trying to have at it with this person you barely know and have no history with.

If you have no support from anyone about this being a kid-free event I would strongly consider why you are having a wedding and not eloping.  If you are going to anger every single person in the family for “your day”, you may need to reassess the perfect wedding day and how you can make it a hospitable event for everyone.  It could be as simple as a huge family slumber party at someones house with a few nannies, or renting out a few suites in the hotel and hiring babysitters (or the older teen relatives to babysit.)  As many brides will tell you, the day is so packed and goes by so fast you won’t even notice the kids.  Some brides actually feel that kids are SO unpredictable it actually takes away any pressure for the “perfect wedding day” and they are more able to relax!

I can tell you going to my brothers out of town wedding with two small children was a complete and total disaster.  For us.  My brother and his fiancee did great with the kids but my husband and I wanted to kill ourselves!  It was extremely draining since every event started 2 hours after their bedtime.  We were in a new city and didn’t have anyone to babysit.  My baby girl was also too small to be left alone for hours (the nursing thing again!) so at best we would have had our son in a strange hotel room with a strange person – hardly the best stress reducer for him and us!  I can tell you looking back I wish we could have had the option of a babysitter to at least take the kids away.  My husband had to leave the rehearsal dinner without his food because our son was going completely loopy from lack of sleep and the restaurant was tiny and packed.  Of course being this was family we couldn’t have left the kids at home with my parents like we could have if this was just a friend. 

I hope things go smoothly for each of you!  It makes it easier when your friends all marry at the same life stage!  I joked that my brother (older than me) should have gotten married years ago to prevent all the child maddness. 

Tweet

Phew, the holidays are over and it’s back to the grind!  For those of you newly engaged after the holidays – congratulations on your Colorado, Minnesota, Iowa or Wisconsin wedding plans!  We have added a few new states and are delighted to have everyone on board.

The kid issue is a very sticky one in wedding planning but let’s review the parents perspective for those who might not appreciate all that goes into it from a parent/guest perspective. 

First of all, many parents have to both work to pay the bills, leaving weekends as the only time to really see their children.  Weddings without kids means…well, you lose a chunk of time with your children!

Then add that many of us parents don’t have reliable babysitters, or perhaps just family (and the “flexibility” of whether the parent is free on a given night.)  Even if you do have reliable babysitters, the average babysitting cost is about $10/hour, give or take $5/hour.  But let’s take the $10 average, and the 6 hour average wedding plus reception, then 30 minutes on either end to get there and back (check in with babysitter and see how the night went before babysitter leaves) and you have 7 hours, times $10/hour, so we’re already up to $70 for the guest to attend your wedding without kids.  Of course it’s more – it’s the clothing if they don’t have something to wear to your wedding and the wedding gift which averages about $75.  So, don’t see your kids, spend $150+ to be without them, if you can actually afford or find a babysitter.

 I am not saying that kids have to be at weddings but I would think twice if most of your guests are parents.  It could be a lot cheaper to hire a few nannies, let the parents have fun and the kids play in another room.  This is especially true for out of town guests where leaving kids at home can be an impossibility or extremely challenging.  My friend went to a Colorado Wedding and the location had a huge glass gazebo area where the kids could play and parents could see them. The kids were free to come and go and everyone had a great time.

 I was unable to attend a close friends Iowa wedding because of the 5 hour drive with a new baby who screamed bloody murder in the car seat.  He wouldn’t just scream but shriek, nonstop, til he was out of the car seat – up to 1.5 hours when we had no choice.  I was nursing him so there was no option to leave him behind.  It was sad especially since my friend was very welcoming of children and even had a friends house set up as “baby central”, so we wouldn’t be stuck in a hotel room outside the wedding festivities.