Go2Wed.com Blog for Brides Planning a Wedding!

So none of us will escape some tricky conversations with friends, family or our spouse-to-be.  I was thinking this morning, after having a really cranky weekend, that what we say and how we act don’t always match.  In wedding planning there are landmines that will set different people off.

If you get a strong reaction from yourself or someone else, this means there is ALWAYS something else going on underneath, that may or may not be so obvious.   If you can stop and think from the other persons point of view, what might be going on to cause such emotion?  Often anger or yelling or strong disagreements are ultimately about being vulnerable.  Perhaps your mom is feeling powerless over an area she felt she has some decision making.  Or maybe she feels like she’s losing her baby and the only way she can express her sadness is to snip at you.  Maybe she already told her closest neighbors they were invited to the wedding so when you come back and say you want a small destination wedding, she will get upset because her views were so different and she doesn’t want to have to uninvite everyone.  If you feel strongly look underneath.  If something goes wrong with, say, a vendor, what is it really about?  Is your meltdown really about the dress that didn’t get altered right, or is it about feeling your image of “the perfect day” isn’t going the way you hoped?  Or is it about not knowing what your priorities are and overinflating every small detail until you internally combust?

Marriage counselors are trained in “systems thinking.”  Nothing is as simple as what is presented.  So always keep in mind if you’re yelling at your groom about not wanting to start your registry, look deeper at what is going on.  Why does it matter so much for you to do it then?  Why do you feel so strongly?  What is going on in his head?  Is the idea of the wedding registry beyond boring to him?  Or maybe he doesn’t want to be led around and watch you do it by yourself while he tags along like a puppy?  Or maybe he doesn’t understand the sequence of events - wedding registries have to be done before invitations go out and maybe wedding registries take a few weekends because you want to go to a few different stores.

Actions and feelings… they really don’t always make sense on the surface so always think what’s going on if you find yourself yelling about something you never thought could stir up such emotions.